Archive for July, 2011

Lists

“And I had this big, long list of what I wanted in a guy, but I realized I didn’t stack up to the list myself.” – Star Jones

I’ve never been good at lists.  I usually start them and never come back to view or strikethrough. Grocery, Things to Do, Bucket. They’ve all been victim to my incompleteness. Only one list has survived from my 20’s: “The Perfect Guy” List. I created this list after breaking up with my college sweetheart to avoid future tears, pain, and disappointment that I now know to be growing experiences. But at the time of 24, I thought wisdom was avoiding the bad stuff and the list was a perfect alternative.

  • Passionate
  • Funny
  • Confident
  • Manly
  • Creative
  • Spiritual 
  • Childless
  • Worldly
  • Non-Military
  • African-American
  • Have Siblings
  • Sports Fan (of at least one sport)
  • Non-Vegetarian (hey, I’m from Texas)

… just some of the items on my infamous list.

Over the years, I thought I was doing myself a favor by editing. When I turned 35, I figured it was time to start folding the list – you know, turn some of the items into preferences instead of deal breakers. Now at a single 35+, I’ve decided that there’s no such thing as a “perfect” guy and I definitely wouldn’t measure up to anyone’s “Perfect Woman” List (ie. the blog, “Everything I Did Wrong in My 20’s…”).  I’ve realized that the military, race, and football have nothing to do with love. So, this year, I ripped the foolish list into little bitty pieces and gave up my finicky control on finding Mr. Right. Today, I’m completely open to love and happiness even if he doesn’t eat meat…

Leave a Comment

Fear

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith” – Mary Manin Morrissey

The dream was born in the fourth grade – I wrote my first play and created the vision of  “becoming a writer when I grow up.” I nurtured that dream until college and then an art history professor (she was so important that I can’t remember her name) told me I was a horrible writer. Throughout my 20’s, I denied myself of my passion because of the fear that I wasn’t good enough. I focused my energy on creating happiness through new dreams but they all transformed into nightmares. At 29, I finally rediscovered the mustard seed that belonged to the 9-year-old writer and decided to once again, plant it. It developed into my first novel; however, it grew among a field covered with overgrown weeds of doubt, criticism, and yes, more fear. Over the last few years, I’ve developed a green thumb nourishing the soil for a new batch of creative energy. At 35+, I’m now ready to make the committment to dream big, bold, and brave.

Comments (2)

Rhythm

It all started 5+ years ago… I turned that freakin’ knob! I knew the day would come and I even thought I was ready to embrace it with open arms (by that point in my life, I needed a hug), but the moment I realized what I had done, I felt… different.  I always promised myself I would never, ever do it and yet there I was sitting in traffic, craving a change, and turning the radio right dab in the middle of a cool, hip, rap song to a hot, nostalgic, soulful tune. That moment was definitely the first sign of 30.

How could I not have a desire to go back to the place I had known for so long? Why didn’t I enjoy singing with the masses anymore?  I knew the answer but I wasn’t sure that I was ready to become… different. The once hip beats and raunchy lyrics all seem to be one song that I just didn’t want to move to anymore.

Since that life-changing moment, I’ve struggled to not only learning a new dance, but becoming comfortable with the movement. Through each lesson, I have found myself reflecting and sometimes regretting (for a minute or two before realizing you can’t live life with regrets) my moves of my 20’s. During that era, I had so many great things to look forward to, high goals to reach, and dreams to conquer. I woke up to 20 with goals of a successful career; wishes of meeting the man I would spend the rest of my life with; and hopes of becoming a complete spiritual being. And after years of  dancing and tired feet, I’m still dreaming of a successful career; I’m still waiting for Mr. Right; and I’m still working on that spiritual woman at 35+.

Even though it took me ten years to turn the station, I have no regrets to the dances that I’ve danced, the songs that I’ve sung, or the music that I’ve played — I can now close my eyes and actually feel the rhythm instead of just hearing the music.  I can now look back and celebrate everything I did wrong in my 20’s and I’m learning to find the happiness within myself, missteps and all.

Comments (1)